green_idylls

It's baby's first Yuletide! :D

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 Wow so I did a flash fic exchange with a turnaround time of One Week and a minimum of 300 words... and somehow came out with 21k of the saddest most serious shit 😂😂 I was a whole week late and I felt so embarrassed lmfao, but it's got like ten times the kudoses than any of my other fics haha. The difference between writing for 20+ year old fandoms and writing for a young, hip, massively popular fandom (Stranger Things) is bonkers. But please give it a read, tell me what you think!! Fair warning it is pretty sad and serious and written in fourteen days, so there may be plotholes ahead haha.

Also, uni has started up again, and I have a group project :( Honestly making a person's grades dependent on their ability to interact with others is Criminal and Profane - like, yeah, fine, if I get this degree and use it I'm gonna have to work in an office someday. I'm gonna have to go to meetings and collaborate with my fellow professionals. But I'd really like to put that off for as long as possible, thanks very much, and the least you could do is let me get through my first year without forcing me to communicate with my colleagues 😩

But, yeah, I curled up in a ball after posting that fic and still yawning my way up to full power, haha. It wasn't like... sad hibernation, just tiredness. Ridiculous that my body and mind require rest. And that my dishes require washing. And that my grades require group work. :P

 I have such a hard time with John's (from SGA; too many Johns lmao) dialogue and have no idea why. Like he's pretty bloody distinctive, there's a definite vibe to latch onto there. Maybe I'm just too unfamiliar with his particular slang vocab?

I really love John's weird demeanour, though. I describe him to my non-SGA watching IRLs as having "unhinged himbo energy", haha.

I'm partway through writing something long-ish for this SGA Summer Music Festival challenge. I've always tended to fall down in the middle of longer fics, maybe a combo of ADHD energy loss and like... losing faith in either the idea or my own ability to do it well, I guess? But I'm determined and I really like my idea - Hillside Boys by Kim Petras is the song I'm drawing inspo from, and Rodney/John is the ship, so I'm having fun with Reckless Summer Romance vibes, haha.

Also hoping to get something done for the current fan_flashworks prompt, which is: Oops! I think I'm going with Robin/Nancy for that one, and trying to capture Nancy's Repressed Bisexual energy. Cause, like, I've been there. I know a repressed bisexual when I see one in a TV show ;)

And I'm kind of considering carrying that through to Polyam Shipping Day - I LOVE the idea of a Robin/Nancy, Steve/Nancy, Steve/Eddie polycule, particularly them sort of muddling their way into it on instinct in an era where most people had probably never heard of polyamory. There's some cool potential there, with Nancy being so committed to Proper Behaviour and Eddie being so committed to flaunting societal expectations, haha.

Who knows how much of this will eventuate, cause uni's starting up again soon and my productivity is a fickle, unpredictable thing, but cross your fingers for me!

 So there's this quote I heard on a We're In Hell video about a home renovation show: "if it's too perfect, people don't feel like they can touch it". I think it was advice about putting out a cheeseboard, lol, but it stuck in my brain as like, full on life advice.

My social anxiety has improved a lot by now, but I think it's still on the severe end, and other than sheer avoidance my main coping mechanism for it is like... Giving A Perfect Performance. Like, never misspeaking, saying the things I'm supposed to say, social hypervigilance so I can move when I'm in the way and notice when people need something - basically, Anxiety Brain feels like the only way to avoid embarrassing myself or people getting mad at me is to do what's Correct, and prune myself of any errors. And of course, because I sadly am not a robot, I fuck up all the time and rake myself over the coals for it and end up feeling way more embarrassed than if I would if I could just behave naturally. But it still feels like if I stop trying to be above reproach, I'll just be inviting everyone to reproach me. And they will, and I'll deserve it. 

But the other issue with it is that I tend to come across as, like... overly polished, I guess. Too formal. A little robotic, even, lol. People have told me over and over that they thought I was pretty up myself before they got to know me - cold, pretentious, etc. Picture me sitting at a party, stonefaced with perfect posture, wondering why nobody wants to talk to me, lol.

So I'm trying to remind myself of that cheeseboard advice. Everyone fucks up, so if people see me fucking up, all it needs to mean is that they know I'm human. Putting myself above reproach is also putting myself above regular, relaxed, down-to-earth connections. It takes the joy out of socialising, not just for me but for everyone else. Cringe can be humanising :)